Lead, Kindly Light: The MTC Drop-Off

I'm probably going to cry through this whole post, but I want to record the details of this day before they're gone and forgotten.
We had no plans today other than getting Ashlee to the MTC at 12:45, so it was a perfect, relaxed, non-rushed morning.  We were staying in adjoining rooms at a hotel in Orem.  We left the doors open between the rooms for the two days of our stay, so it felt more like one big room.
Most of the family went down to get breakfast, leaving Ashlee and me to start getting ready for the day.  We were both mostly quietly doing our own things, but I realized she was humming, "Lead, Kindly Light."  I knew she probably wasn't even aware that she was humming, and I was sure she had no idea that it was killing me just a little bit.  At the same time, though, it was a sweet and peaceful time for reflection.
The words were going through my mind:  "Lead, kindly Light, amid th'encircling gloom; Lead thou me on..."  I wouldn't necessarily call this a day of "gloom," but there was definitely some sadness in the air.  These words were a sweet reminder that even when sadness begins to encircle us, the Lord is always there to continue leading us along.  Through all of this "mission stuff," there has been so much excitement and comfort from the Spirit, that it far outweighs the sadness.  With the understanding we have of the Gospel of Jesus Christ, and the peace and happiness it brings, it's almost impossible to really stay sad.
The final words of this verse say,  "Keep thou my feet; I do not ask to see The distant scene--one step enough for me."  Well, today is definitely one step--a big one.  And none of us knows the "distant scene."  All of us, together, are just looking as far as this step, trusting and understanding that this is enough for us to see for now.
Even more than just what these words meant for today, I thought about what they would mean for the next 18 months.  Ashlee will surely experience "encircling gloom" at times, when she puts her whole heart into teaching this beloved Gospel to precious souls, only to have the adversary enter in and sway them from it.  It will happen, and those will undoubtedly be days of gloom.  And when "the night is dark" and she is "far from home," I hope she will feel her Heavenly Father's comforting arms around her, leading her on.
These words continued to play through my mind, and I knew Ashlee didn't realize she was humming at all, let alone such a fitting hymn.  I considered it to be a tender mercy, just for me.  Painful, but tender.
The rest of the family came back to the room after a little while and we finished getting ready and packing up.  Then we took the opportunity to have what would be our last family scripture study all together for awhile.  One topic we've discussed at length on this trip is that of the work of angels.  (I've been reading a book that has sparked several deep and interesting family discussions on the topic.)  So this morning Rob had been reading and found some more scriptures that referred to angels.
After the kids all took turns sharing scriptures, we talked about the fact that angels will undoubtedly attend Ashlee at times on her mission--probably more often than we realize.  We discussed possibilities of who some of these angels are likely to be.  Elder Richard G. Scott spoke in a recent General Conference about ministering angels, and the likelihood that those who assist us are often our own relatives.
I'll leave it at that, simply because some conversations are too sacred to just post on a blog.  But suffice it to say that we have no doubt that Ashlee has great-grandparents and others who are keenly aware of the work she will soon be doing, and are anxious to be of assistance to her.
When we finished our scripture study, I suggested we sing the hymn Ashlee had been humming this morning.  We love singing hymns together as a family, and I really wanted to again, one last time.  Even though I knew it would result in tears (at least for me), I hoped it would be meaningful for the family and therefore worth it.  When I suggested it, Ashlee smiled and said, "I was humming?"  Just as I thought, she was completely unaware.
We began to sing, and by the 2nd line the three girls and I were already crying.  Ashlee laughed through her tears and said, "Maybe this wasn't the best idea."  But we continued singing, just doing the best we could.
I've already mentioned the parts of this hymn that ran through my mind while Ashlee was humming (the first verse, which is the only part I know by heart).  They were again meaningful as we sang together.  As we sang all 3 verses (thanks to modern technology making them accessible on our phones) there was more and more that applied.
In the 2nd verse we sang, "I loved to choose and see my path; but now, Lead thou me on..."  I thought about the way Ashlee has always had clear goals and objectives for her life, she has "loved to choose and see [her] path."  The thought of a mission was nowhere in her view just four short months ago.  But how quickly she was willing to change her "path" when she felt that the Lord had opened up new possibilities and was leading her in a different direction.
The 3rd verse reminded me of the faith she has always had, from the time she was very small:  "So long thy pow'r hath blest me, sure it still will lead me on..."  She has seen the Lord's hand in her life every step of the way, and has no reason to worry that that will change.
Then we reached the end, and all I could do was cry.  After the scriptures we had just read, the last two lines just hit me hard:  "And with the morn those angel faces smile, which I have loved long since, and lost awhile."  I had no memory of this hymn mentioning angels.  It's always been a hymn I loved, but it will forever have special meaning to me now, especially as I think of some of the angels I have known personally--grandparents who I have truly "loved long since, and lost awhile."
We dried our tears but knew our final family prayer was still coming.  Rob asked Ashlee if she would like a blessing, and of course she said yes.  So he gave her one last Father's Blessing.  (He told me later that he was hesitant and wondered if it was his place, since she had already been set apart as a missionary.  But then he was reminded that he will always be her Dad, and that it was still ok.  I'm so glad he didn't talk himself out of it.)  In the blessing she was told that there are people waiting for her to teach them, and that there are people's lives she will touch in ways that only she can; some of whom will be her companions.  She was also told that because she is where she's supposed to be, doing what she's supposed to be doing right now, she doesn't need to worry about home or things going on in the lives of people she's far away from.  She's doing the Lord's work, and as she is obedient in her work she can know that all is in accordance with His will.
After her blessing we knelt in a circle and held hands to pray one last time (for awhile) as a complete family.  Rob asked me to say the prayer, which I managed to do with just a few tears.  Then we loaded up the car to leave.
I hope I haven't shared things here that I shouldn't have.  I've gained a new perspective on missionary work through some experiences I've had in the last year or so, and also by having my own missionary preparing to go and share the gospel.  I've realized that I may have been too hesitant to share things in the past, and that I may have been selfish in failing to allow others to fully understand the blessings available to all of us.  I've tried to be selective in what I've shared here, because I do understand the sacred nature of spiritual things; however, I believe that when we fail to speak of the things that bring joy into our lives, we may be preventing others from finding the same joy that we have.  I will leave it at that, and hope I'm not mistaken.
Well, we headed to Provo, driving past the MTC just to help prepare ourselves for the thought of dropping Ashlee off there soon.  We went and grabbed a quick lunch, and then it was time to face the goodbyes.
As we again drove along the road in front of the MTC, looking at all the missionaries walking everywhere, Ashlee said, "Do you see anyone we know?!?"  We all laughed.  There are only thousands of missionaries there!  But she knows that a few of her friends are all there right now, so she was just hoping with all her might that she'd somehow spot a familiar face.
We turned into the parking lot and were in a short line of cars.  We talked briefly to the man giving out the windshield stickers, and he directed us to the left.  As we turned to pull to a spot at the curb, Kaybree said, "There's Jared!!!"  Sure enough, there stood one of Ashlee's good friends, Jared Gardner, waiting by the curb for her.  We rolled down our windows and yelled to him.  His face just lit up, and he started running toward us, yelling, "There you are!!!"  The smile on his face was priceless.

I love Ashlee's group of friends--awesome kids who truly love and support each other in all good things.  Seeing Jared out there waiting for Ashlee brought such comfort to all of us--a friend from home to help her through this transition.
We had to drive further down to find a good drop-off spot, so Jared just waited at the top.  A really nice, cute missionary greeted us and helped get Ashlee's luggage out.  He waited patiently as we hugged and cried, then took the two big suitcases and left her just the small one to pull.  They walked away up the hill, and that was it.  I watched for a minute while the kids got back in the car, but then I finally got in too and we drove away.

Every one of us cried, even Rob and our big boys.  Seeing Rob struggling made me really lose it.  He said afterward, "I didn't know if that twerp could make me cry, but she did!"
Blake had said a few days ago, "I can't decide whether to cry when we drop Ashlee off or not."  We all cracked up.  (I thought, It must be nice to have a choice!)  Well, apparently he "chose" to let himself cry. =)  His Instagram post afterward was cute--a picture of him hugging Ashlee, and these words:  "And she's gone....she's gonna be the best missionary ever but even knowing that she will do great and be fine it was still so hard to watch her leave."
We drove a little ways down and around the corner, by the mail building.  Rob pulled off to the side and said, "Maybe if we sit here and watch people drive by crying, we'll feel better!"  So we did. =)  We watched about 10 cars go by.  The first few cars brought us some laughs, just because it was funny to see car after car doing the same thing we were.  But seeing the pain in some of the faces just reminded us how sad we really were.  Then a mom drove by all by herself, and it was too much to take.  That just brought more tears, so we decided it was time to go.  That poor woman!  I still keep thinking about her.  Hopefully she and her missionary just lived right in Provo and opted to leave the rest of the family home for the most painful part.  Or maybe she wasn't actually a mom--just someone providing a ride who had no emotional connection.  That's what I'm going to tell myself, anyway.
So that pretty-much sums up our experiences of the day.
Of course, this is only the beginning...

 As we drove away...

 I had to take a picture of this building that will be Ashlee's best friend (and ours!) for the next 3 weeks:

 After we got home, I accidentally came across Ashlee's keys she had left back behind some things on the counter.  Just what I needed... More tears.....